Investigation is a foot

I am Mr. Paul Stevens, Convenor of the Shit Creek Corruption Commission (Australian and Nigerian branches). It has come to my attention that there are serious allegations concerning the corrupt and nepotistic practices of one of the editors of The Shit Creek Review, a certain Mr. Paul Stevens. These are currently being rigorously investigated by myself.

In the meantime I should explain The Shit Creek Review's philosophy. The whole sorry venture was inspired by this remark of Steven Schroeder's:

If [the fledgeling poet] is willing to accept rejection, have him shoot high at first--better than starting out with The Shit Creek Review, where publication is barely better than nothing.

It has been our mission ever since to live up to this Vision of Poetic Achievement. Indeed we have sought to transcend it, so that publication in The Shit Creek Review is actually worse than nothing. Many have remarked that it is a far better publishing credit to have been rejected by The Shit Creek Review than to have been accepted. As Peter Richards, Emeritus Professor of Solipsistics at Oslo University, so sublimely put it:

Beware, if this publication comes anywhere close to living up to its name, then the problem won't be getting into it...

If Mr Stevens turns out to have been contravening our very strict policies regarding nepotism, corruption, bribery and the like, or to have been compromising the integrity of our Vision, I personally will bring the full force and majesty of the Shit Creek Code to bear upon him.

To facilitate this investigation I need to deposit a sum of $20,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000¹⁰ into a US bank account. Send me your name and account details and I will, after transferring the above-mentioned sum to your account, prosecute Mr Stevens to the full extent of the law.

Be assured that our policy of accepting bribes and favours for publication in The Shit Creek Review will continue undiluted. Payments may be made through PayPal or Visa. I also assure you that the answer to the question, "Will the evil-doers be punished?" is an emphatic and vigorous "Roger!"